It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
