alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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