when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
it's like heaven, but drunker
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
