Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
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