so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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