Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
