I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
