Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
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