Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
