Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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