Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
