what day is it and did you see me today?
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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