Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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