Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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