No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
