just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
