3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
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