I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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