We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
