Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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