It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
