I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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