I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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