he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Randomize
