I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
