I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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