just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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