apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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