Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
