so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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