Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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