Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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