I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
This is the prime rib incident all over again
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Randomize
