Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
