Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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