so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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