On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
