and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
