God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Randomize
