I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
