I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Panties = found
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