remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!