No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
