last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
