I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
