I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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