chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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