he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
is wine microwaveable?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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