Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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