Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
