OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
