I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
