I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
