You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
