so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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