I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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