he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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