Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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