my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
