i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
You've changed since you got that strap on
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