1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Randomize
