If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
