Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
We talked him into tasing himself.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
